Sex Positivity and Asexuality
As a member (if most of that involvement is spent lurking) of a rampantly third wave feminist website dedicated to, as its subtitle-of-sorts will tell you, to “celebrity, sex, fashion for women,” I hear a lot about sex positivity. Or, really liking sex, in any case. From what I’ve seen of the rest of the feminist blogosphere, sex positivity is a Big Thing and really Very Important.
At first glance, it would seem that sex positivity – yay, sex!!! - and asexuality – oh, no sex, please – would not be well-suited, since one is (superficially) a celebration of the same thing of which eschewing is a defining feature of the other. How can an effort to get people to really like and enjoy sex mesh with one that encourages people to just… not? Or so the argument might go.
Unsurprisingly, I suppose, on the one post relating to asexuality itself (rather than situations forcing someone into celibacy, or predominant assertions regarding female sexuality – namely, that it doesn’t exist) that I could find on the website, which was part of the 20/20 segment on asexuals featuring a few of the staples from circa 2005 television appearances, the comments were largely either confused or discouraging. Many of them – those who comment enthusiastically on posts regarding favorite sex toys or celebrities they’d like to see naked – simply could not (could not, I say!) understand how someone could possibly not want sex, as if it were the great reward for living or the Holy Grail found in a potentially dangerous, apparently awesome physical activity. That is, because their experiences with sex and sexual attraction were some that they treasured and highly appreciated – something I can absolutely respect, right along with their perfect freedom to do the same – it must automatically translate to the default, or at least the presumed default/ideal that tends to form the standards of existence – if you aren’t hitting this (appreciation and enjoyment of sex, and, ideally, lots of it), then you’re obviously falling short in some way.
This kind of thinking is slightly frustrating and kind of funny, really, coming from a group of people characterized by accepting the non-standard – after all, most of the current leftist social activism is focusing on the un-”othering” of thoroughly othered groups – or at least those with some degree of visibility beyond the internet. It simply tickles me that people for whom homosexuality, trans-sexuality, and polyamorous or “open” relationships are old hat and not even approaching strange could react so negatively - so automatically and unthinkingly – to something that, really, has numerous benefits (as well as its fair share of unfortunate qualities, but I have yet to encounter them). I suppose they might argue that denying your sexuality is denying yourself one of life’s most glorious indulgences, and thus constitutes hurting yourself.
And yet, asexuality (that is, asexuality as a movement, since it cannot, by itself, be about anything – it isn’t a body of philosophy, after all) is about embracing your sexuality – just in a slightly unconventional way. And, at its heart, that’s what sex positivity is about; while a natural progression of the freeing of sex from its clunky and occasionally sinister moral baggage, taboo nature, or all-around prudish denial may be the kind of highly enthusiastic embracing of sex as act and as intimacy that is so clearly illustrated in the people who most directly benefit from it, the point, really, is simply to naturalize sex and allow people the opportunity to pursue the sex life that is most wholly fulfilling to them – so it’s not that (practicing) asexuality is an outright denial of the validity of sex positivity, but rather simply another manifestation of its central goals. To be celibate as an asexual is to lead a sexually fulfilling life,just perhaps not in the way implied through the term.
Filed under: asexuality, personal experience, sex positivity | 7 Comments
Interesting post! If you haven’t found it already, you may be interested to read the April 2008 issue of AVENues, which had three articles on this subject.
I used to read feministing.com a lot, and gradually I tapered off because people’s statements about how “all women are sexual” started wearing on me. I remember one comment from someone saying that, you know, it was possible to be a virgin and be sex-positive (or something along those lines). It’s weird to me that there’s doubt about that. Obviously no group has a monopoly on open-mindedness, but it feels worse when the othering comes from a group of which you consider yourself a part.
That said, feminists have always seemed to have issues with the idea of other feminists portraying their cause in an “undersireable” light. Like if you’re too femme, you’re just going along with the patriarchy but if you reject femininity, you’re making feminism unapproachable. As far as I know, a lot of groups have been othered by mainstream feminism over the years, such as poor women, women of color, disabled women, etc. Asexuals won’t be the last, but since most (if not all?) of the blogs I’ve seen written by asexual women seem to come from some degree of a feminist perspective, I’d like to think maybe we can make a small dent in the issue.
Yeah – a lot of the problems that feminism has had have been addressed through the kind of weird mash-up of all leftist causes into one big group of activism, and I imagine it will just be a matter of time because asexuality and non-trans genderqueer people will be accepted, but the interim is pretty frustrating.
Asexuals are also excluded, in terms of sexuality research, which often only focuses on heterosexual, and/or LGBTQ demography. Legislation that is targeted towards the gay communities, almost always never include how such enactments would affect the issues that pertain to asexuals, which is quite concerning. Finally, to add injury to insult, there is no discussion of asexuality and asexualism in the mainstream media, which usually limits topics to gender exploration, themes of sexuality, and feministic theology.
Yeah, this sort of thing makes me sad. It’s another example of people thinking their own type of sexuality is best for everybody, which was the problem in the first place: thinking there’s one way for everyone, whether it’s that women have no sexuality or that all women are very sexual. People just can’t grasp the idea of asexuality and it is very frustrating.
>>as if it were the great reward for living or the Holy Grail found in a potentially dangerous, apparently awesome physical activity.<<
It's like those commercials for little blue pills and penis pumps, they talk about getting older without losing the "best thing in life." Yes, many people do actually think of it as the great reward for living, apparently.